Numerous surveys show American's are overwhelmed and exausted by recent politics. I definitely understand, so instead of getting on my soapbox and talking about world events, here are some Trump inspired funnies.
Like they say if you can't beat them... laugh at them.
The most outrageous Donald Trump quotes, ever
1. “Can you imagine what the outcry would be if @SnoopDogg, failing career and all, had aimed and fired the gun at President Obama? Jail time!”
2. “Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Sorry, people want border security and extreme vetting.”
Sounds a little Orwellian…
3. “Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn’t these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.”
Umm they did Donald. That’s why you lost the popular vote…
4. “We are going to have an unbelievable, perhaps record-setting turnout for the inauguration, and there will be plenty of movie and entertainment stars. All the dress shops are sold out in Washington. It’s hard to find a great dress for this inauguration.”
5. “Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!”
Not the best way to kick off the New Year Donald…
6. “An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud”
Trump was determined to ‘expose’ President Obama’s birthplace back in 2012, and even claimed to have sent investigators to Hawaii in the hopes of proving Obama wasn’t born in the United States.
7. “Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again – just watch. He can do much better!”
Clearly Donald is a Team Edward kind of guy…
8. “Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.”
Trump always has charming things to say about successful, prominent women – but he stooped particularly low with this comment about Huffington Post founder.
9. “Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood, doesn’t know me but attacked last night at the Golden Globes. She is a Hillary flunky who lost big. For the 100th time, I never “mocked” a disabled reporter (would never do that) but simply showed him “groveling” when he totally changed a 16 year old story that he had written in order to make me look bad. Just more very dishonest media!”
This was his response to that Meryl Streep Golden Globes speech… Mature, Trump. As always…
10. “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Oh for goodness sake.
11. “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people.”
Just another casually racial slur, then…
12. “Our great African-American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore.”
Don’t worry, his racist outbursts aren’t just directed at Mexico.
13. “If I were running ‘The View’, I’d fire Rosie O’Donnell. I mean, I’d look at her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’”
Trump has infamously hated on Rosie O’Donnell, making crude, sexist and misogynistic remarks about her on multiple occasions.
14. “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”
Because of course, no woman can resist Trump’s charms. [Throws up on keyboard]
15. “One of they key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”
Well at least he’s showing some self awareness.
16. “The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
And not that fabulous barnet of yours?
17. “It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”
Definitely not missing the point…
18. “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Possibly (/definitely) one of the creepiest things we’ve ever heard…
19. “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”
20. “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”
We’re glad he’s so concerned about the obesity crisis.
21. “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.”
Women aren’t possessions, Donald. They can’t belong to you.
22. “You’re disgusting.”
To put this into context, Donald Trump said this to the opposing lawyer during a court case when she asked for a medical break to pump breast milk for her three-month-old daughter.
23. “The point is, you can never be too greedy.”
Campaign slogan = sorted.
24. “Sorry, there is no STAR on the stage tonight!”
In his Twitter liveblogging of the Democratic debate, Trump seemed to think he was watching a talent show rather than looking for the next POTUS.
25. “My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”
We think Donald may be overestimating the power of Twitter.
26. “My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”
Don’t worry, we won’t.
27. “I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”
What does that even mean?
28. “Who wouldn’t take Kate’s picture and make lots of money is she does the nude sunbathing thing. Come on Kate!”
No, Donald. No.
29. “The other candidates — they went in, they didn’t know the air conditioning didn’t work. They sweated like dogs…How are they gonna beat ISIS? I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”
Because sweating = the inability to solve a political crisis. Gotcha.
30. “Look at those hands, are they small hands? And, [Republican rival Marco Rubio] referred to my hands: ‘If they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”
Along with the petition to keep him out of the UK, can we also campaign for Trump to stop talking about his penis?
31. “Thanks sweetie. That’s nice”
Said Donald in typically patronising style to a female 9/11 survivor. Inappropriate – and quite creepy.
32. “Lyin’ Ted Cruz just used a picture of Melania from a shoot in his ad. Be careful, Lyin’ Ted, or I will spill the beans on your wife!”
Threatening your opponent’s wife on Twitter? Stay classy, Don…
33. “I was down there, and I watched our police and our firemen, down on 7-Eleven, down at the World Trade Center, right after it came down”
Ah 7-Eleven, great convenience store, and def not to be confused with a national tragedy and symbol of global terrorism, eh Trump?
34. “The only card [Hillary Clinton] has is the woman’s card. She’s got nothing else to offer and frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don’t think she’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing she’s got going is the woman’s card, and the beautiful thing is, women don’t like her.”
Speaking from a, errr, woman’s perspective, we reckon ol’ Trumpy may be a little off with this one.
35. “Number one, I have great respect for women. I was the one that really broke the glass ceiling on behalf of women, more than anybody in the construction industry.”
Thank you Donald. Thank you for all your help.
36. “I’m just thinking to myself right now, we should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump, right?”
Ah Don, you ol’ joker, you!
37. “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”
Trump proves (again) that he views a woman’s looks over anything else…
38. “I thought being President would be easier than my old life.”
Yes, because being the most powerful person in the United States comes with no strings attached.
39. “[North Korean leader Kim Jong Un] is 27 years old. His father dies, took over a regime. So say what you want but that is not easy, especially at that age.”
Not a great time to suddenly be empathetic Donald…
40. “You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything….Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”
Somehow the gross audio from the Access Hollywood tapes only tanked one career – and it wasn’t Donald Trump’s.
41. “Despite the constant negative press covfefe”
Trump’s manic midnight covfefe tweet stayed up for six hours after it was published, before somebody finally deleted it. How did this slip through the cracks?
Who can figure out the true meaning of "covfefe" ??? Enjoy!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 31, 2017
42. “You have a bunch of bad hombres down there. You aren’t doing enough to stop them. I think your military is scared. Our military isn’t, so I might just send them down to take care of it.”
Context: Donald Trump was talking to the Mexican president. This doesn’t bode well for international relations.
43. “Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger did a really bad job as Governor of California and even worse on the Apprentice…but at least he tried hard!”
You’d think that fellow celebrity stars turned politicians would have each other’s back. Apparently not.
44. “40 Wall Street actually was the second-tallest building in downtown Manhattan…And now it’s the tallest.”
Only because 9/11 happened.
45. “Why can’t we use nuclear weapons?”
This one’s word of mouth – MSNBC reported that in a foreign policy meeting, Donald Trump asked this question three times. Get that finger off the button.
46. “Prime Minister Abe, on behalf of the American people, I welcome you to the very famous White House.”
First of all, Shinzo Abe’s probably spent more time there than Donald has…
47. “[The New York Times] don’t write good. They have people over there, like Maggie Haberman and others, they don’t – they don’t write good. They don’t know how to write good.”
Turns out he don’t talk good either.
48. “I always wanted to get the Purple Heart. This was much easier.”
A Trump supporter who was a former serviceman gave Trump his purple heart at a rally. Given that Trump avoided military service on shaky medical grounds, it’s a little ironic.
49. “I’ve had a beautiful, I’ve had a flawless campaign. You’ll be writing books about this campaign.”
Oh, there’ll be books alright.
50. “Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 [Hillary Clinton] emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”
As if he isn’t already in hot water for his ties to Russia.
51. “I think I am actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.”
That’s exactly how it works, when you’re humble you spend most of your time shouting it from the rooftops.
52. “Fake news is at an all time high. Where is their apology to me for all of the incorrect stories???”
If we hear those words one more time…
53. “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.”
Megyn Kelly was just doing her job.
54. “I know more about ISIS than the generals do. Believe me.”
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 2, 2017
55. “My use of social media is not presidential – it’s MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL. Make America Great Again!”
Please refer to the covfefe tweet.
56. “I heard poorly rated @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don’t watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year’s Even, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!”
‘MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL’.
57. “Most politicians would have gone to a meeting like the one Don jr attended in order to get info on an opponent. That’s politics!”
If you haven’t been following the campaign (sometimes we struggle sometimes too), Donald Trump Jr met with a Russian lawyer to get dirt on Hillary Clinton in the lead up to the election. Tiffany is now the least problematic Trump child.